MIKE'S SUGGESTIONS FOR A BETTER AMERICA

— PUBLIC RELATIONS —
Pick a New Name: "The United States of America" is too long; it's drab and, ultimately, it's just a description. Look at the British. They called their country "Great Britain" and look how far that got them, considering there's nothing really "great" about them. I say we change our name to "The Big One." That says it all. "Where am I from? I'm from THE BIG ONE!"

— UNEMPLOYMENT —
Use More Prison Labor: With more and more companies using cheap prison labor (when you call TWA for a reservation, you might be talking to an inmate), I've got an idea. Let's close down most of our factories and throw millions out of work. Many will turn to crime to feed their families and then, having converted their old factory into a prison, we can toss them back in there to do their old jobs—at twenty cents an hour! Think of the savings!

— ELECTIONS —
Find a New Way to Pick the President: Now that the majority no longer vote, I say let's scrap the elections and hold a big monster truck race. The two presidential candidates would compete head-on in those huge three-story- high trucks with names like Killer Bigfoot. Imagine the huge ratings—bigger than any election!
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